fibrillate | inbox

[ well, it's a file rather than text. tapping on it will download a digital painting of a lush forest at night, red torii gates and simple lanterns bracketing a long stone stairway that goes uphill to the horizon. there's a signature in kanji in the bottom-right corner, presumably ena's name. the perspective is a bit wonky and several of the lines don't seem to flow properly, but. ta-da.

a text follows soon after the file. ]

told you i'd send you a painting

[this is wholly unexpected—not because they thought that ena wouldn't follow through, but because they'd had a few other things on their mind lately. weird, what could've caused that. anyway, the indication that it's been read hovers there for a while, but only because levi is taking the careful time to give the piece the appreciation it deserves.]

[after a few more minutes, they begin writing their response.]

Enanan, this looks INCREDIBLE!
I'm really glad you showed me, because I knew you were going to do a great job with it. It's so environmental...
It brings this feeling of peace from seeing this serene path ahead of me, and this feeling of... maybe it's sadness, maybe it's anticipation, maybe it's fear, but they're all there just looking at what could be waiting for me on the other side of these gates.

It's also a really nice landscape. :) So I guess tanabata really drew out some inspiration in you?

[ ena stares so intently at the 'read' notification that her eyesight goes blurry. she's grown used to receiving nothing in return from throwing her art into the void that is twitter, but on the other end of this void is a person who believes her work is worth something even if they've never seen it.

she's being so cool about this right now. super normal.

when the replies start rolling in, the knots in her chest quickly unravel, allowing her to breathe. someone got it. they understand. ]

thank you levi!!!! (⌒▽⌒)☆
ehehe i guess it had more of an effect than i thought
i didn't even realize what i was drawing until the sketch was almost done
even if there wasn't a shrine it was still nice to make wishes. it almost felt like home
did you make a wish this year

I guess that's sometimes how art goes! You don't really know what you're making until you get there.
The same with life, if you think about it... well, maybe not exactly the same.
But I really do like it and I'd love to see more. :)

[tanabata, though. that's... well. okay, it's ena. how bad could a brief little confession be.]

I did make a wish this year. It's the first time in a while, and...
Well, they all used to be for things like good luck at championships.
This time was a little different, but I guess circumstances are a little different here, too.
It's kind of embarrassing, but...

Well, there's this woman here who I like.

that still makes a lot of sense
sometimes life doesn't go like you think it will

[ you break down at the most important moment in your life. you fade away so quickly that you wonder if anyone will miss you if you decide to disappear. you come back--not better, but different. you find your loved ones, both old and new, waiting for you on the other side waiting for you with smiling faces and outstretched arms. ]

but that keeps things exciting doesn't it?
and of course! i still need to set up an account to post my art.... so i'll keep drawing!

[ oh??? hello?????? forget this philosophizing, it's time to gossip about girls. ]

omgggggggggg levi
what's she like? when'd you meet?
hurry up and tell me all about her

[they laugh quietly, almost politely, and they're glad that ena can't hear it. it's such an emotional swing, to go from fully supporting ena's artwork to talking about levi's own... whatever it is they're feeling. but they don't mind it.]

Well, her name is Ursula, and she's a teacher. And a bit of a witch.
We met around the same time you and I met. We're the same age, and she took me out for drinks to take my mind off things.
We, um. We did kiss. A couple times. It was during the concerts and the festival right before tanabata, you know? And... I guess this is the embarrassing part.
She came to tanabata with someone else, and I just wished to not get in over my head about it.
But don't tell her that part, please...!

[ levi is having a discussion with a 16 year old. emotional swings are a given. ]

idek what ursula looks like and i'm not the kind of person who tells my friends' secrets
she won't find out
but it sounds like it was going well until tanabata

[ is ena seething, just a little bit, that levi kissed the object of their affections and she didn't? haha, no. never. anyway. ]

you did ask if she wanted to go with you right
or was it a surprise she was going at all

It all happened so fast, I didn't have

[they accidentally hit send on that midway through the sentence, so preoccupied are they with trying to get the words right. crap.]

So at first, she wasn't going to go at all.
Another mutual friend of ours convinced her that it would require a +1, so she decided not to come.
Then I think other people, myself included, managed to convince her that the +1 wasn't necessary...
But she still ended up making plans with someone when I wasn't looking. And because I want her to be able to make choices on her own, I just didn't push back on it.

[as they write it out like this, they feel... almost stupid.]

I don't even think it was supposed to be a date. I think they were just... business partners together or something.
I'm an idiot.

[ after a few minutes of absorbing that information: ]

so it was a surprise where everything happened really fast and you assumed it was a date
i mean i would have??? that doesn't make you an idiot

That's not really where it stops, though.
I got... really jealous of someone who wasn't even the person she went on the not-date with, and started being so petty and mean at her until it made my heart ache.
The whole situation was just all the worst parts of me coming out that I try not to let anyone see.

[they put their phone down and rest their head in their hands for a bit. when they come back, they've taken off their glasses and they are brushing their hair from their face. the next line is slow.]

I'm so embarrassed, Enanan.

[ oof. ultra-strength oof. while jealousy is an everyday occurrence for ena, that's not so much for levi. they're just so genuinely nice...she can't even imagine what their voice would sound like when dripping with ill intent.

then again, levi is just human. despite what people in their world may think. ]

yikes.....
sometimes feelings just happen? even if they're your worst ones
there's no helping how you felt back then or what's already happened. it's not as if you can go back in time to change it
and since you're this embarrassed about everything that means you aren't as terrible or dumb as you think you are

but if you made a wish not to get too into your head about over it then sounds like that didn't really come true

It might have, actually? I'm not sure.
After I calmed down, I actually... invited the person I was jealous of out for drinks. As a way to smooth things over, you know?
And I've gotten good at calming myself down quickly, sort of out of necessity, but it was much easier this time than I thought it would be.
And now... I mean, now I barely even feel bothered about what got me so worked up in the first place with Ursula.

[they can lie, too.]

Most of what I'm feeling is just the embarrassment.
So maybe the wish came true after all?
Though if I'd known the wish was going to come true so easily, maybe I should've wished for something more substantial...

[ the dots bounce for some time. seeing how levi had done nothing but sing ursula's praises, it feels odd that they'd be so uninterested. the sudden change uncomfortably reminds her mizuki's behavior after niigo's mystery tour.

sticking her nose into a new friend's business would probably be annoying. ...but they've been so kind and helpful about her art. an offer to return the favor is the least ena can do. ]

are you sure nothing about that is still bothering you
like at all
and you'd be totally fine with ursula seeing other people
or that you'd rather wished for something like....
idk. a million dollars

[this is the problem.]

[not that they have friends. not that those friends have eyes and can see things that are fairly obvious. no, the problem is that leviathan can only lie to the point where they know it's been perceived. then it all falls apart. it turns their ears red with shame.]

[💬 ... 💬 ... 💬]

You're right, Ena.
I want to be the one who goes home with Ursula.
But I want her to make the choice that's right for her, and if I can't give her what she needs then I need to be okay with that.
I can't control her.

[ holy crap. they just offered up the truth with just no resistance or obfuscation. it'd be a refreshing change of pace if levi didn't sound lowkey miserable about their state of affairs. ]

well duh you can't control her and you'll have to live with what she decides
but what about you? just being "okay" while everyone around you is happy really sucks
you can want something. or someone
it's totally fine

[💬 ... 💬 ... ... ... ...]

Do you know what it means to want something so badly that it makes your heart hurt?
Do you know that with most people, it's just an expression?

[they're really about to confess this to someone half their age. it isn't like it's a closely guarded secret, it's just... not something they like bringing up unnecessarily.]

It's dangerous for me to want things as intensely as everyone else does. It makes my heart beat faster, and that's... not good, right now.
If I listened to what's really going on, I would burn myself out from the inside.
I have to force myself to be okay, Enanan.
I know it's not very cheerful of me to say that.

[ ena is intimately familiar with that kind of all-consuming want and the devastation that follows when it's extinguished. time (usually) heals those wounds, but what they're describing is.... they could....

ena's replies roll in slow over the next few minutes. ]

levi
don't worry if you don't sound cheerful
do you know why your heart does that?

...you don't have to answer that if you don't want to btw

I was born this way.
Every heart makes a little electricity. It's how hearts beat.
But mine generates too much. And I can keep it inside me if I want, but I can't keep it inside forever.

[they put their phone down and look up at the ceiling. their brain already knows how to ignore the blurry splintering on their left side. it's had years to get used to it, and their glasses do a lot to help.]

Did you ever wonder what happened to my eye?
Well, whether you did or not, I think you can probably guess now.

And it's gotten harder to discharge it here.
I don't know if I can take risks like that yet.

[ enna thinks back to the arc of lightning levi had shot at lipsticki during their first meeting. she'd assumed that and their eye all came with being a metahuman. prizes from the genetic lottery they'd won at birth.

but then again, no one gets anything for free. especially when it seems to good to be true. ]

...then i understand why you don't want to tell her anything
but you HAVE to take of yourself so that way you get the chance
someone in jigoku has to know how to help with your electricity

I'm seeing a doctor, Ena. I promise I am.
Remember the concert? I had a heart monitor on me underneath my clothes for that whole night.
Dr. Heng has me on medication that's usually been enough to help me stay stable, but I'm still... afraid to take too many risks. Because what if something goes wrong and I end up hurting myself? Or her?

Even though I know that being with her is something that will make me happy.
Even though I want it.
Even though I want her.

well what if something happens
you're not going to let ursula choose if she's okay with that? or if she wants to be happy
because what if the choice that she makes is that she wants you like you want her
and if you don't let her choose it's like........

like looking at a blank canvas and wanting to fill it up with something
anything
but not drawing at all because you're afraid one little thing will look wrong

[ that you'll find out you were destined to be a failure. that no one will look at you. that you may as well let yourself rot from the inside out, alone and apparently unwanted. ]

ursula doesn't deserve that
and neither do you

[it takes leviathan some time to respond to getting spoken to like this. to be seen through by someone half their age. ena is a good friend, they think, in the middle of everything else.]

So I should just tell her that I regret not being the one to take her home that night.
And whatever happens after that will be what happens.

Is that what you're saying?

yeah
that's exactly what i'm saying

Then that's exactly what I'll do.
I'll do this, and I'll try not to be afraid of the consequences.
Because I already know what this will look like if I don't do anything.

But the only way to know what happens next is to make something happen.

[they look at their phone, at their own words. they've said things like this before, but somehow, with whatever emotion it is that leviathan is feeling, they had forgotten the truth of things.]

Thank you, Ena.
I can report back with how it goes, if you'd like.

[ there are so few times when ena feels like she's made a difference for the better. usually, she ends up making an already bad situation worse with sharp words and sharper tone. yet, levi sounds resolute. grateful.

perhaps this joyous, weightless feeling radiating through her chest is why kanade works so tirelessly to save others. ]

you're welcome levi
i know you can do it
and you don't have to tell me what happens if you don't want to

butttttttttttt
if you want to then yesssssssssss spill the tea

Edited 2022-09-15 00:57 (UTC)

Oh, Enanan.
No matter which way this goes, you'll be the first person I tell.

(⌒▽⌒)☆

((anything under this thread would be inaccessible to anyone who doesn't physically have levi's phone.))

- new doctor (Emily Dyer)
- training (Marie)
- spend more time with Ursula
  - apologize to her for being so hard to get in touch with
  - do not be jealous of her and Mona, none of this is Mona's fault
  - will you please decide what exactly "none of this" is
- check in on Enanan and Mizuki and their friends
- rescue Ringo-chan
  - do not return her to her father
  - decide very carefully who you tell about this plan

Edited 2022-09-06 19:18 (UTC)

inbox

text; enanan (some time after tanabata)

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internal notes app

9.1.2022, september to-do